Dammit, I'm A Doctor Not A
by SnarkyMuffins
Summary: Doctor Leonard McCoy of the U.S.S Enterprise is one thing and one thing alone (besides being a dad, an ex-husband, and one of the only people who can stand Captain Kirk) and that is being the goddamn CMO of the starship Enterprise. (Warnings: Lots of Swearing...thanks Bones)
1. Custodian

Custodian

Jim was babbling on about something, his mouth running a mile a minute, yellow uniform shirt slightly bunched up, and hands gesturing crazily as Leonard McCoy shuffled around his mostly empty Sickbay. "And then, Bones, I swear to god, this armada of Klingons just appeared out of nowhere…" He continued to trail on and on, unaware of his friend's blatant detachment. Leonard, in a sour attempt not to hurt the poor saps feelings, grunted or said the occasional 'wow'. Honestly, Jim was making his already itching skin crawl. Irritation fluttered and buzzed through his stomach and tingled in the tips of his fingers. He was here, at 2300 hours, and still awake, for some reason, with only about one nurse, Nurse Caitlyn, was still hanging around for the nightshift. M'Benga was off lurking somewhere in the dark recesses of Sickbay, the only patient –who had a longer than usual bloody nose and disconcerting iron count- had been released from Sickbay at about 1500 hours. Leonard had really hung around for the past several hours so he could record in his log, with lying, that he stayed at Sickbay until the official end of his shift.

"So Spock was like 'and that is highly illogical', and Chekov said something about Russian girls, and Uhura said that I really should put the apple down and focus…" Jim laughed at his own statement and Leonard offered a dry, get-the-hint-please chuckle. Jim didn't get the hint. Unsurprisingly. Leonard grabbed his small bag that had his PADD in it off of the biobed and headed for the doors, Jim trailing behind still telling his Bridge story. It was then that Nurse Caitlyn decided to intersect his path, an apologetic smile on her face.

"What?" Leonard snapped tiredly, noticing that Jim didn't even falter although he seemed to become increasingly aware that he was only talking to himself and thin air.

"Doctor, I have to go down to the Botany Lab and take a quick note of the Tufo Plant we discovered on Talos 4. The liquid it's secreting could be beneficial for cures to future epidemics." She explained, voice hushed and rushed.

"Yes, Nurse, I'm aware of your studies on the Tufo" –Leonard snorted- "Plant. I don't need a back story. What is it?"

"Well, Doctor, I really need to take those notes at specific times and this happens to be one of those times, but someone needs to be present at Sickbay at all times, and the biobeds still need to be washed down, hypos restocked, shelves washed, floors cleaned and such. Doctor, if it wouldn't be much trouble could you…?" She glanced at him hopefully, but Leonard only glared, really against where this was going.

"Clean up the Sickbay? Do a nurse's job? Well, why the hell not? I do everyone else's job around here anyway, why not add one more? Sure, go have fun down in your lab, give Sulu my regards, and let me clean this up. Go on! Not that I'm going to ask just what the fuck you've been doing for the past two hours, because it doesn't really matter, now does it Ms. Caitlyn?" Leonard snapped, face pooling with blood. Caitlyn reeled after his outburst, cheeks flushing a violent scarlet.

"Thank-you sir. I haven't found time…to clean up I mean. I was filing down Ensign Conner's Sickbay visit. Low iron count and all." She swallowed heavily, Jim continued chatting, oblivious, and Leonard scowled at the both of them, eyes hurting from being held open for so long.

"Go, Nurse." He shooed her away and watched as she didn't need to be told twice. She scurried away, doors swishing shut. "Can't fucking believe it. I do everything –everything Jim!- around here and I have to be not just the doctor and nurse but the janitor too."

"Calm down Bones. So, you have to wash down a few beds and clean the floors. No biggy." Jim gave a crooked smile as his story seemed to wrap up prematurely. Leonard turned his heated, but weary, gaze on his more vibrant younger friend and captain.

"No 'biggy' eh? Here then," Leonard thrust the cleaning chemicals off of the shelves as Jim who struggled to hold them all in his folded arms. "You clean up. I have food to replicate." He grumbled the last part and stalked away, leaving a very much shocked Jim in his wake.

"But Bones, I'm the Captain!" He called after the old, Georgian doctor. Leonard only smirked.

"Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not a custodian!" With that he whisked himself out of the Sickbay, chuckled to himself at the shocked look plastered pricelessly to Jim's face, blond hair askew, and went to his quarters. Exhaustion clung to his bones and joints, causing him to forego interests in replicator food in favor of changing into Starfleet issue sleep wear and crawling under the red blanket.


	2. Babysitter Part 1

**Author's Note: I'm not good at writing accents, so Scotty's is probably off. Bear with me :)**

Babysitter Part 1

"Fuck…" Leonard breathed as his entire body stiffened. He liked to refrain from using profanities in front of ladies, but it seemed by the pale and shocked look on Uhura's face that he put to words her emotions. "What the hell, Scotty?" Leonard slowly drew his eyes from the horrific things on the transporter pads to the bewildered engineer. Scotty's fingers flew over the console frantically as he searched for a malfunction, hopefully one that was easily fixable.

"Imma, not sure." He mumbled as he shot a quick glance at the transporter. His face paled, even more so than Uhura's. "There musta be bug somewhere…" Leonard waved him off and swallowed thickly before gesturing to Uhura.

"How can, ah, you explain this?" He asked quietly.

"It would appear that our superiors have been…miniaturized, Doctor." She answered plainly. Leonard squeaked. So, it wasn't just his imagination then.

"So it seems." He whispered. On the transporter pads, Captain James T. Kirk and Commander Spock were, in fact, miniaturized. They were both passed out, looked no older than the age of maybe five, and drowning in a sea of too big gold, blue, and black clothing and boots. Jim was laying face down, one leg crossed over the other and head resting on his forearm. Spock was by his feet, laying rather peacefully on his side, arm stretched out above his head so his fingers brushed Jim's calf, and knees bent to his waist. It would've been adorable if it hadn't been so utterly terrible.

"I'm needed on the Bridge." Uhura explained quickly, giving Leonard an apologetic smile as she took her leave. Scotty looked once more at the adults-made-toddlers and chuckled.

"Aye, I need to get down to engineering, see if I can't find our solution to our wee problem." He dashed out of the transporter room, leaving a very disgruntled, shocked, irritated Doctor with two presumably unconscious five year old Starfleet officers. Leonard walked slowly forward, cursing his life and wishing that he got to spend more time with Joanna when she was this age. He would've been prepared if he had. As he knelt by Jim's head, he wondered where he was going to get toddler sized clothing and shoes. He was pretty sure that a Starship didn't come equipped with that. "Alright, Jimmy, I'm just gonna scoop you up now…" Grimacing, Leonard rolled Jim lightly onto his side. Fortunately, the clothes continued to cover his body. Unfortunately, the movement jostled the Captain awake. He rubbed his eyes with pudgy fist and took a quick scope of his surroundings. Confusion instantly clouded his eyes before he glanced up to the hard eyes of Doctor McCoy.

"Who are yo-" Jim began in a loud, booming voice, for a five year old. Leonard instantly clasped his hand over Jim's mouth and managed to look worriedly over at Spock, praying that the little hobgoblin didn't wake up. Luckily, Spock remained asleep, or unconscious.

"Quiet." Leonard hissed. After a vigorous nod from his Captain, the Doctor slowly withdrew his hand. "Where am I? Who are you? This place is so…cool." Jim breathed as he fought to get to his feet, eyes wide.

"My name is Leonard McCoy, I'm a doctor." He sighed, cursing the fact that Jim didn't remember anything. His mindset and body was that of a five year old. "You…um…your mom left you with me." Jim stared at him for a second, hard.

"The last thing I remember is going to sleep after eating dinner, a normal day."

"Your mom had to go off-planet on an emergency and Frank…his sister died and he needed to go. Your mom left you with me. She and I are old friend. We're on a Starship right now." Leonard hurried to explain.

"Uh-huh…why am I naked?" Jim blushed and buried himself deeper in the pool of clothing.

"Um…a malfunction in the system enlarged your clothes." Leonard flailed pathetically. Fortunately, Jim didn't press the matter. He got a half-assed explaination that seemed legitimate in his five year old mind and right now, he was too busy being entranced in the flashing consoles.

"Okay." Jim said as he stood, using his command shirt as a dress. He wrapped it around his tiny, thin body and walked on bare feet down the steps. He wandered over to the console and stood on his tip-toes to see the beeping buttons and flashing lights. Leonard gathered Jim's boots and pants in his arms and rocked back onto his heels, frowning slightly.

"Hey, Jim, c'mere." Leonard called out softly, doing an admiral job of keep his temper in check, especially when Jim blatantly ignored him. The toddler began to head towards the door and Leonard cursed under his breath at the snot nosed brat. "Get back here!" He screamed in a whisper voice. He stood and walked swiftly over to the mulish child. With increasing loud protests coming from the deaged Captain, Leonard was forced to clamp the kid's mouth shut as he scooped him into his arms. Jim desperately kept the makeshift dress around him as he flailed in the Doctor's arms. Leonard let him wear himself out before heading towards the other toddler still on the transporter pad, eyes squeezed tightly shut. Balancing Jim in the crook of one arm, Leonard bent down and managed to wrap Spock's science shirt around him before he pulled him up, protecting the Vulcan's modesty. Spock, surprisingly, didn't make a sound as he was cradled against Leonard's chest, his glossy black cap of hair tucked under the Doctor's chin, Leonard's arm being a makeshift chair, and his arm flung over Leonard's shoulder. Jim, being much more difficult, was half thrown over Leonard's other shoulder; his feet being supported by the CMO's arm and his tiny hands fisted the back of Leonard's shirt.

"Who's that?" Jim asked as he looked at Spock. Leonard rolled his eyes. "Shut-up, Jim." Leonard scolded as he carried them out of the transporter room.

It didn't take long to get to Sickbay from the transporter room, and luckily, they didn't meet too many officers on the way, and the ones they did meet didn't even glance their way. Leonard wasn't sure if that should worry him. Once in Sickbay, he wrangled with Jim who was struggling to get down and look at everything. In the process, he nearly dropped Spock, knocked over a beaker of some kind of alien acid or the other, and bumped into Christine Chapel.

"Doctor, do you need any…help?" She asked timidly. Leonard glared at her.

"If you wouldn't mind, Nurse." He growled. She smiled apologetically and Leonard shifted the tiny Mister Spock into her arms. She expertly bounced him up and down before laying him on a biobed and arranging his shirt around him so it covered him better. Leonard managed to hook his arm around Jim's waist as the toddler slipped from his grasp. He pulled the kicking and nearly screaming Captain to his chest and grabbed both of his ankles. Unfortunately, all the ruckus awakened Spock, whose dark brown eyes fluttered open. Leonard cursed his life and he watched the tiny Vulcan take stock of his surroundings. But, the obdurate Vulcan did not unleash a torrent of questions, he did not start to scream or cry, and he didn't move a muscle. Leonard gathered the surrendering Jim back into his arms, waiting for Spock to react. Christine sat on the edge of the biobed next to him and watched him slowly stir. Leonard swore that a flash of fear flashed through his eyes before any emotions were washed from his face completely.

"May I inquire as to where I am?" Spock asked politely and fluently. Leonard found it odd, and slightly scary that a five year old was talking like that.

"Um…" Christine looked over at Leonard and bit her lip. Leonard glanced over at Spock.

"School field trip." He offered plaintively. Spock raised his eyebrow. Leonard hardly noticed Jim slide from his arms and dash into is office.

"School field trip?" Spock echoed.

"Um…learning experience…out in space." Leonard gestured and winced. "You can see that I'm a…a human, and ah…there aren't other Vulcans around…this is uh…well courtesy of your mother." He instantly felt like shit, shit because he mentioned Spock's damned and now very much dead mother. He closed his eyes and breathed.

"My mother?" Spock echoed again. "May I inquire how this is a learning experience?"

"Courtesy of your mother, yes, and Starfleet. You can get a feel of how it is to be an officer." Leonard explained. Spock only dipped his head. He looked down at his clothing and cocked an eyebrow but asked no further questions. Leonard breathed. Damn transporter. "Where the fuck is Kirk?" Leonard asked suddenly, realizing that the Captain was no longer in his arms. "Watch him." Leonard growled at Christine. She nodded and looked over at Spock, smiling. Leonard stormed into his office, knowing that the small Captain was in there because the door was ajar. Sure enough, Jim was standing on his desk, beakers of an assortment of different liquids were spilt all over the floor, his PADD was tilted dangerously over the edge of the desk, and Jim was gripping a bottle of nothing other than Romulan Ale. The Doctor froze. The bottle was open, Jim looked woozy, and Leonard was mentally smacking himself and saying how it was a good thing he didn't raise Joanna. God knows how she would've turned out then.

Leonard made a mad dash for the swaying toddler, scooping him up just before he stumbled off the edge of the desk. The bottle of Romulan Ale was no quite so fortunate and crashed onto the desk. Glass shattered and flew everywhere, blue liquid splashed all over his tri-viewer and onto his PADD, which promptly clattered to the floor, and the ale went all over the walls and mixed with the liquids on the floor. "Fuck my life." Leonard groaned as he dropped Jim, who landed with an 'oof' on the floor. He hated this, this was not his job. God dammit, he was a doctor, not a babysitter! Groaning, he left the office only to find Christine looking very dazed, Spock's blue uniform shirt strewn on the floor, and the cupboard where spare clothes were kept was open. Oh, and Spock was gone. "What happened?" Leonard asked. He heard Jim scurry out of his office, tripping over his own feet, and looking very sick. Christine slowly picked herself up off the floor that she had been kneeling on.

"Spock seemed to know you were lying, Doctor." She said weakly. "He preformed the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on me."

"God dammit! Fucking Spock, that tiny, pointy eared bastard." He whirled around to face Jim. "You aren't much better." He said. Just then, Jim decided that he needed to throw-up, and all over Leonard's feet.


	3. Babysitter Part 2

**Warnings: Swearing, mentions of child abduction, little troublesome Spock**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything *waves little white flag*. This is used solely for entertainment.**

**Note: Second part in Doctor McCoy, our favorite babysitter. Now it's Spock's turn to have a little action ;) Also, unbetaed, but is edited, assuming I posted the right document...**

After cleaning up the puke, and a lengthy explanation to Nurse Chapel, Leonard was rushing out of Sickbay in pursuit of one, green blooded hybrid. Christine was watching and trying to sober five year old Jim up, who was miserably laying on his back on a biobed wrapped in about a thousand blankets and his makeshift dress.  
Apparently, right after Leonard went after Jim, Spock did some Vulcan ninja move, knocked out Christine, put his command shirt on and managed to find a spare pair of pants small enough to fit him. Then, he went AWOL. And Leonard thought that Spock was going to be the easy one.  
Leonard glanced around the corner meeting the eyes of Uhura who was talking with Ensign Renee. As soon as she saw him, she bid the Ensign a quick farewell and scuttled down the hall away from him. Leonard swore and speed walked to catch up.  
"Trouble?" She asked once she realized evading the Doctor was impossible. Leonard snorted.  
"Trouble!? Yes, there's been trouble. Do you even know how difficult Jim is? He got drunk."  
"Drunk?" Uhura asked, not really that surprised.  
"Broke into my alcohol cabinet and went straight for the good stuff."  
"Romulan Ale? At least he got his priorities straight." Uhura chuckled. "So, what do you need me for?"  
"You…I need you to help Christine with Jim, god knows what he'll do to get away." Leonard shook his finger at her.  
"What about you, and what makes you think that I can just go drop everything and help with Jim?"  
"One, there's no superior officer bossing you around and two, I'm looking for Spock. The hobgoblin didn't bite the bit." Leonard groaned. Since when did his life succumb to this?  
Uhura put her fist against her mouth, trying to hide her laughter. The good doctor was clearly frustrated and pissed off.  
"What are you laughing about?" Leonard growled, glowering at her.  
"Hm? Oh, nothing. I'll just scoot down to Sickbay then. Good luck with Spock." She skipped away leaving Leonard steaming with anger. Why the hell did people think this was funny?

"Kirk!" Christine cried as the toddler knocked over PADD. She rushed after him, her blond hair askew and dress shoulder slipping off of one shoulder. She dove for him right as he ducked under a table and stuck his tongue out at her.  
"Leave me alone!" Jim cried as he crawled a safe distance away from his would-be captor.  
"You have to do what I say." The nurse explained breathlessly. She kneeled by the table and buried her head in her hands, vowing that she would never have children.  
"I do what I want!" Jim shouted back before smirking as her and diving for the nearest table. Christine howled with impatience as she scrambled after the child, but he was already ducking under another table.  
"Clearly, you're drunk!" Christine yelled at the five year old. Jim peeked out from behind the leg of a table.  
"Not really." He said snidely. The nurse flung her hands in the air and leaned backwards, rocking on her heels.  
"Whatever. I didn't sign up for this shit." It was then that Uhura strode into  
Sickbay and smiled at the flushed nurse. Christine glared. "Did Doctor McCoy finally send some assistance? It's Jim, for Christ sake!" She flung her hands in the air. "I need a drink." Christine was gone before Uhura even had time to react.  
"Alright then." Uhura twitched her eyebrow and glanced around for the troublemaker. She spotted a smug looking Jim hiding beneath table and she smiled. "Are you hungry?" She asked sweetly. Jim narrowed his eyes.  
"Wouldn't you like to know?" Jim smirked and Uhura just rolled her eyes. Some things never change.

"Spock…Spock…" Leonard crept down the hall, peeking into recreation rooms hoping to see the Vulcan playing a game of chess by himself. "Hey Spock…you green blooded bitch, where are you?" Leonard kept his voice pleasant even though he was angrier than a bull.  
He was almost at the end of the corridor when a slight clang of something caught his attention. He backed up to the last rec room and peeked inside. A king was rolling on the floor and the chair was spinning. Leonard smirked.  
"Spock…" He crept inside the room and shut it behind him. The hybrid was nowhere to be seen. Leonard glanced around and peeked under a table. Not there. He stood and planted his hands of his hips and frowned. A flash of blue dashed towards him, and before Leonard could react, the flash ducked between his legs and out the door. Leonard swore loudly and spun on his heel, racing after Spock.  
"Where's the fucking logic in this, Spock?!" Leonard screeched after the running ball of blue. A tiny face peered back over his shoulder at Leonard, but kept running. Leonard was pretty sure people were staring, and he even saw one or two reach out to snatch Spock, but the Vulcan was a weasel. He dodged hands and jumped over feet that threatened to trip him. The little bugger was fast as hell too. Leonard figured it must be a Vulcan thing.  
Spock was looking over his shoulder, feet moving so fast they were pretty much a blur, didn't see the Scottish man step in his way. He slammed into the body and fell backwards with a loud 'oof'. Scotty shook his head and bent down, scooping the struggling Vulcan into his arms.  
"Commander, calm down!" Scotty said as the child wiggled in his arms. Spock stilled.  
"I must rewest –request- that you return me to the ground." Spock said. Leonard and Scotty both caught the stumble. Scotty smiled at the kid but Leonard only rolled his eyes.  
"No can do, Little Spock." Scotty bounced the toddler for a moment.  
"Give em' to me." Leonard snapped and reached for the kid. Scotty looked doubtful, but gave Spock over to the doctor who grappled for a moment with the unnaturally strong five year old. Spock pushed against the doctor's chest.  
"My father will not stand for my capture. He will pay the ransom." Spock said, calming himself. Leonard was shocked, to say the least. Did Spock think he was abducted. Obviously.  
"Spock…we didn't kidnap you! Why on heaven and earth and all these other damned planets made you think that?" Leonard asked, looking the small Vulcan dead in the eye.  
"It has accord –occurred- once before." Spock stated. Leonard frowned.  
"Has it now?"  
"I am the only son of an ambassador, as well as the only human Vulcan hybrid in existence."  
"You don't say…" Leonard scratched his chin, but kept a firm hold on Spock. "Listen, we did not kidnap you." He gently positioned the calmer Spock on his hip, grimacing as he did so, waved goodbye to Scotty and took off to Sickbay. "If you promise not to tell Jim, I'll let you in on a little secret."  
"Jim? The blond human boy?" Spock tilted his head to one side, considering Leonard's offer. "Affirmative."  
"You're a Starfleet officer, you and Jim –the Captain of this vessel- beamed down to the planet's surface, something went wrong with the transporter, and you beamed back up as children. Apparently, your memory also resorted back." Leonard explained. Spock didn't react, but simply thought it over.  
"In theory, it is possible to reverse the aging of cells to change physical appearance…so age, but mentally…I am unsure about the process that would reverse someone's memory along with their body. It is a pliable explanation." Spock offered. Leonard shook his head, baffled at Spock's mental capacities at this age. Of course he knew Vulcan's underwent vigorous mental training as children, and the training continued well into adolescence and even adulthood, but still.  
"Um, it's probably a bit more than pliable, Spock." Leonard said as he walked into Sickbay. He really should have been surprised, honestly, but he wasn't. It was unfortunate too, a little shock might do him good. It was also very disconcerting, and very, very sad that Leonard wasn't surprised. It showed just how far gone he was.


End file.
